Lord, Make Me An Instrument

I've decided that being a minister has to be a calling...and I think I'm becoming more and more certain of that. Because it is so tough. Because it demands so much of one. Because at times it nearly rends a person in two. It just has to be a calling...because otherwise I don't know why anyone would do it.

I guess I'm reflecting a little on my recent experiences in life. As a pastor. As a person. You see, it's been a long year for me. I've needed to hear from God and time and again have desparately sought him in prayer.

There have been moments I've been so broken down I honestly haven't felt like doing anything else, let alone praying for others. Yet as a minister I've had too. And that's felt weird. It's made me question who's going to take the time and pray for me. How I could ever be a help to anyone when there's so much going on in my life. It's made me question whether I should be a minister at all.

In esssence, it's made me ask whether being a pastor was going to destroy my spiritual life or turn me into the worst kind of hypocrite.

Despite these questions, every now and then God somehow has shown me something different. Called out of me something that I didn't even know--or didn't remember--was there.

Just last night we had a amazing service with the youth. We talked about prayer and spent some time doing just that together with the teens.

We were able to really pray with some of the youth. Really focus in on God. And I know He spoke to some of them.

Seeing one of our teens come forward and seek God's help makes me happier than I can express. Makes me hopeful and inspires me onward.

And as I sit here and think about that reality, it also makes me realize that despite my fears and doubts, maybe my calling as a minister isn't something I should question after all.

Ya, I need prayer and the support of others. There's no denying that. But I also really desire to see God work in the lives of those whom I shepherd. Which, hopefully, is the beginning of what it means to minister to others. The beginning of living my calling by God's grace.

"Oh Divine Master, grant that I may not

So much seek to be consoled as to console;

to be understodd as to understand;

to be loved as to love;

for it is in giving that we receive;

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;

and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life."

-St. Francis of Assisi